After a day or so of being practically brain dead thanks to a nasty migraine (which i still have) i have decided to sit and evaluate what i want to do at the moment with my life.
1. Be a good Mother.
I want to be the best mother that i can be to my precious daughter. Like any first time parent, i have had my doubts and my concerns about my ability to parent, which i am still questioning. I know my years with my daughter will be fully of happiness, sorrow, learning and growing but i am very nervous about it all. Rightly so as a first time parent, but i am sure i will cope with the help and support of people i know.
2. Make a future.
At the moment i am currently doing an online course in Business and Administration at level2. This i have lost all focus with because of recent events within my life have taken over and i have been left feeling demotivated and unable to complete the course. I want to be a business woman and have my own income on day that will pay the bills, the house i have and my daughters things too. Screw it, if i don’t get shit from my money it will all be worth the happiness of my daughter. I want to run my own salon in Liverpool and make it “on my own”. So i need to start thinking about University and how to achieve my life long ambitions
Now this is something that i have dabbled with the past couple of weeks. Yes i love someone but being in love with them is a completely different thing. To be in love with someone means you are happy with each other and in what the other is doing with their life and how you spend time together. This has all but fizzled from my life now with too much going on at the moment that “in love” feeling has disappeared along with my confidence in anything. I hope one day it gets back to how it used to be and how we were so much in love and we wanted to spend our lives together. I am not prepared to accept a life in the shadows of what we wanted when we can strive to have exactly what we want in the future, together, being happy and a family. For now though being the best of friends is all we can do with our lives heading in such different directions and our mindsets being the opposite of what we want.
Since i have moved up north i have made some lovely friends for whom i am eternally greatful for. I will be making the time for them all and keeping up to date with everyone and how they are doing. Old friends are included in this….sure like anyone who has moved as far away from their parents as possible will miss their old friends. Sure i miss all my old mates but hell, they are getting on with their lives and i am getting on with mine. We converse when we can and see each other when we can. I am having an old friend come visit me next week which i am very excited about so i will be having a good old catch up and a night out with her too!
5. Life decisions.
This is something i am terrible at. Since i was little my whole life has revolved around keeping other people happy and doing whatever they want just to keep THEM happy. This is something i need to stop doing. I need to make my own decisions regardless of if it keeps people happy or not. I need to think about myself and my daughter as she is my main priority. I need to make decisions based on whats best for me and her and what will make me happy in life. I am not going to be told what to do by anyone and i will not live in the shadows of my own happiness anymore.