Seasons thinkings…..

Weird…. when I literally feel that I can’t do something well I resort to writing. Technically I should write as much as possible to help my English as being out of education has taken a turn for the worst and made me a complete dumb ass, meaning thus that I am unable to write very well, my spelling is atrocious and my grammar…well lets not go there. This is why I think Word documentation is such a good thing to have. The amount of red squiggly lines I will have to look over in this when I am finished will be too many to count….

Its strange how watching someone you love do something they love makes you think about what you want to do and how you want to go about it. Now i’m not doing anything I crave to do academic work. I love it when my partner starts reading things to me and making my brain work to understand his subject, it makes me feel good about myself and makes me think that I can do things and I like helping with things, if I can. I had the chance to study when I went to University, but hated the course so I gave that up. I pretty much slacked off for two years and rank far too much….which could be considered typical for a University student, however, when its your future and you do that it really isn’t normal. I have literally racked my brains with questions on what I want to do for the rest of my life and I have no idea. Some of you may sit there and think that i’m only young and that I have my whole life to decide what I want to do….I’m only 20 and yes, I agree i’m young but do I really want to go through life switching jobs and going through different paths of education just to be stuck up in a dead end job? no. I want to find something I enjoy and really like doing. My photography would be an example of this, however, I need something stable until I get my feet off the ground with that as it is a hard field of work to get into. So I need to think about things I enjoy and careers I would like to have and thus see how to get there. Education doesn’t bother me and now i’m a bit older and wiser i’m not just going to piss it up the wall like I did with University. Its just one of them things i’m now thinking about because I have a family to think about and care for and at least contribute towards.

All I know is for the next 2 to 3 years I will be a stay at home mummy and look after the baby. When I think about being a stay at home mum it really doesn’t phase me, however, I think I have ideals about what it will be like. I like to think they still will exist but from experience from friends and family they will not. Its simple little things such as doing my make up in the morning and trying to look nice so that I do not “lose myself” and become a grotty mother who doesn’t take care of herself. I like making the effort to look nice and try and present myself well even if I am just running round the house doing the housework…. and its mainly effort for my partner, even though I know he doesn’t mind if I have make up on or off or i’m in pjs or jeans, he thinks im pretty either way. Regardless I still like to try. On the contrary, will I even have time? Nappies to change, house to tidy, midwife to see, family coming over, tea to cook, all the things a housewife does. I know equality now allows men to do things too and i’m sure that my partner will help. However, he is going to be out providing for all of us and bringing home money and making something of himself so when he gets home I like to know things are done and to make sure that he can just come in, have a coffee and a smoke and watch some shitty TV. It may just be what goes through a pregnant ladies mind, and from a friend I have had her tell me you think them sorts of things and my partner has even told me things will be going through my mind. I like to think that even when I am a mum i’m like some kind of super mum who can do everything and still look gorgeous while she does it. Maybe I will just have to wait and see with that one, the baby won’t be here until June of next year, which isn’t that far away but plenty of time for my to enjoy my make up and make myself pretty.

Normally, i’m scribbling in a journal or a diary, if you will, with all my deepest thoughts and emotions entangled upon the pages that seem bare now. I don’t really write in it any more, i’m waiting for the new year when I can start “documenting” everything and really grasping a hold of the so called thing we like to call life.

I’ve never one to be creative with writing or drawing for that matter. I take photographs, which some people can argue isn’t a form of art and Is far to easy for peoples own good….but if you don’t feel that you can excel in something else artistically why be limited? There is no definition of what is art now a days, everyone has a different opinion and there is so much you can fit into the category of art that there isn’t allowed to be a definition to the word.

There is a lot of things in life I think there is no need for definition, most of these being emotions because people feel emotions from different social surroundings and different life events that there should be no definition to emotional tendencies. Oddly enough it doesn’t surprise me that i’m thinking like this near Christmas, I did last year. I seem to every year. The only difference is that I have something to work for now and something I truly cherish in my life so much to go out on a limb for them and do my very best. It’s near a new year, the new year I turn 21 as well so there really is no time to be joking around. A lot of changes are going to be occurring in my life and the main one being the child I am currently nesting in my uterus as I type. 14 weeks has gone really quickly, so let’s just hope June comes as quick. Its an emotional but loving time for me which I guess mums out there can agree with. Sorry for the rant about life. Haven’t had one for a while either. HA.

New life, new goals and a new me with new aspirations.


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